A different kind of whine...

It's a day for a different kind of whine.

I started back at work today, for the first time in 5 weeks. And as nice as it is to know that I'm helping people, and that I'll get paid, a very large part of me can't get past the fact that my kids have LOVED having me home, and I have loved every second of being home.

For almost 5 weeks, I've been home. Away from work. I've spent every single day with my oldest son, who's 6. My younger children have been going to daycare every day, which admittedly makes me a little bit nervous since it's hardly "social distancing" to spend the day with 15 other kids under 5. But having the time alone with my oldest has been amazing. His reaction to isolation and school being cancelled for the rest of the year has been very interesting. For most of his life, he's avoided touch. He's not usually a snuggly kid. I don't ever remember him "caring for" a doll or a stuffed animal; when I was pregnant with my middle son I gave him a doll which promptly got thrown. When I brought his new brother home, he refused to look at me for a month, and referred to the baby as "that".

But this month, my 6yo has been carrying his teddy bear around almost constantly, "feeding" him, putting him down for naps, making sure he's buckled in to the car. I don't know what it is about quarantine that has changed things for him. I'm sure it's coping mechanism of some kind.

Kids have no way of conceptualizing why their world has changed so much practically overnight. But I also wonder how much the change in him has to do with me being home. This is the most time I've spent alone with him since he was 3 months old. I've worked full time for his entire life, and for the lives of his brothers. Until March, none of us knew what it was like to have me home. And now that we've had a taste, I don't know if I can go back to the way it was.

I know for sure I don't want to.

So, there's my whine. I don't want to be a grown up. I want to be independently wealthy and not have to worry about money and bills and how to pay for all of the wonderful things my champagne taste wants. I want to be able to stay home and play with my kids every day. For now, until I can figure out a way to make all that happen, I'll pour myself another glass of whine...